The Word Masseur

There’s a Brazilian soccer forward named Hulk.  Hulk!  Not “Roberto Hulk”, or “Hulk de los Fuentes”.  Just Hulk.  How awesome is that?  Now, if he named his nuts “Bruce” and “Banner” that would be pretty cool.  Or maybe it wouldn’t, since Bruce Banner is just a skinny scientist.  Maybe he could name them “Doc” and “Samson” – yes, that’s a super-strong frenemy of the Incredible Hulk’s.  Yes, I’m a dork.  Anyways, I’m feeling inspired.  Here are some other cool comic book names for forwards:

- Doctor Octopus.  On second thought, this would be better for a goalie.

- Doctor Doom.  Guaranteed to score, and then blow your head off with some sort of weird electromagnetic death ray.

- Cyclops.  Only because I’d like to see some dude running around the soccer pitch with a pair of “uni-sunglasses” like George Carlin wore in Bill & Ted’s.

- The Thing.  Is he going to shoot on me?  Or is he going to punt me into the twenty-second row?  Eek!

- Black Panther.  Menacing, but only works for a black guy.  If you’re a white guy, then you’re “White…” what?  Rhino?  Too slow.  Lightning? Lame-ning.  Zombie?  Kinda counteracts the idea of scoring.  “White” doesn’t really fit with anything cool.

- Doctor Fate.  Look, the ball’s going in.  You may think it’s not, but it is.  Ok, how ‘bout this:  if it doesn’t go in, I’ll kill you and dump your body in another dimension.  Agreed?

- Red Tornado.  He’s a tornado.  He doesn’t need to shoot rays from his eyes or change into a chupacabra.

- Elongated Man.  I could go a few directions with this.  Suffice to say, he’s gonna score.  And then he’s gonna score.  I love me some double-entendre.

- Invisible Girl and Lady Luck.  No explanation needed.

- Whizzer.  Hahaha – “Whi –

Alright, I’ve officially left the rails.  To wrap this up, Hulk is now the coolest name for a soccer player, besting the previous coolest name, Fred.  Is it a coincidence that both these guys are Brazilian?  No.  The existence of a soccer player named Hulk only reaffirms my opinion that soccer is the coolest sport on earth, and Brazilians are insane.  In a good way.

Here’s a cool song:

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