The Word Masseur

Somewhere in eastern Pennsylvania, a steel worker is being dangled by his legs over a pool of molten ore for admitting he likes the movie Tootsie.  In defense of him, and men everywhere who, like me, own a copy of this exceptional Sidney Pollack-directed comedy, I offer the following:

The titular cross-dressing character is played by Dustin Hoffman, for God’s sake.  Is Dustin Hoffman an accomplished thespian?  Yes.  Is he one of the best actors of his time?  Absolutely.  Is he a loving father and noted philanthropist?  Probably.  Is he in the Top 1000 of Hollywood’s hunkiest men?  Er, probably not.  Look, people don’t rave about Tootsie because it’s a chance to watch a Hollywood heartthrob embrace his feminine side by dressing up in 1982’s hottest fashions (which is one of the many funny aspects of this movie – seeing how people dressed in 1982.  Good lord – it was like everyone was wearing either a purple leotard or my grandmother’s drapes).  Also, to my knowledge the celebrity rags weren’t exactly abuzz with excitement about Hoffman’s sexy shower scene, during which he exits the bathroom shirtless and displaying the body of a malnourished10-year-old boy.  No, people love Tootsie because it’s legitimately funny – not because it’s about “stupid gay stuff”.

Secondly, Bill Murray is in this movie.  Granted it’s a small part, but it still puts a giant wrench in the whole “Tootsie is for gays” argument.  If someone said to you, “hey, you’ve got to check out this movie that Bill Murray has a role in,” you wouldn’t reply “does he play a conflicted transvestite in a movie about a gay couple that opens up a record shop on South Beach?”  Bill Murray is a man’s actor who does funny stuff and says funny things that guys dig — if it doesn’t have a proton pack or a summer camp full of horny teenagers, chances are you won’t see Bill Murray in the credits.  I mean this with all respect to Murray, who’s one of my favorite comedic actors.  The one notable exception to all of this is Lost in Translation.

Lastly, anyone with homophobic tendencies who finds himself compelled to watch this movie against his will shall no doubt be put at ease by the presence of gruff, hard-drinking, no-nonsense Les Nichols, played by Charles Durning.  Though the movie’s writers may see it differently, I can assure the “gays are the devil” audience that Durning’s character was included as a “beacon of hope” for those who may have trouble understanding why a movie about a male actor who dresses up like a woman to get a part in a soap opera is so effing hilarious.  See, Les doesn’t tolerate any funny business – he likes beer (cold is preferred, but sun-baked is ok too), he likes Ukranian Rules kick boxing, he loves ECW ladder matches, and he prefers that his partners have tits and a vagina.  I know, I know – it’s unfortunate and borderline traitorous that Les and Hoffman’s character Michael Dorsey make up in the end, when everyone knows Les should have broken his bottle of Blatz Dark over Dorsey’s head and tied him to his back bumper, but that’s Hollywood for you – they’re all suckers for happy endings.

IOH: – 4,344 (for people who think that liking Tootsie is a “gay” thing to do)

IOH: + 7,329 (for the movie itself)

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